Lyrics

We kid because we love. I’m not Jeff Ross or Mike in Burke for that matter (maybe I should have taken my own advice in the presented in the lyrics?). However, this is my attempt at dramatizing the James Carville Roast as a rap battle. Thanks to Robert Berg and Jason Fuse for collaborating. I think I might be the first person that has successfully (and intentionally) made Jason sound not quite as great as usual on a jingle (but also somehow still sound great). I sent in a shorter version to the show. Also, Jason, how’s my paragraph?

This is a parody of “Cabinet Battle #1” from the “Hamilton” musical.



MC:
Ladies and gentlemen, you could have been anywhere in the world tonight, but you’re here with us in the Kennedy Center. Are you ready for the James Carville Roast??? We have Lewis Black, Triumph, Jeff Ross, and Tony Kornheiser. Ok, first up, Tony. You have the floor, sir.

TONY:
So, ummm, how about this weather we’re getting?
Am I right, am I right? Testing, 1,2,3, testing…
Ummm, and what’s the deal with airline food?
It stinks! Am I right? Phew!
Ummm… I gotta salvage this please
And is it hot in here? Cause, man, I’m schvitzing!
James Carville, right?!? Have you heard this guy speak?
You can’t understand him, don’t you guys see?
Ummm, my jokes are falling flat and
What else can I do to get the audience laughing?
Let’s see, here’s a watermelon, and now I’m gonna smash it!
Quick, play that clip of James in action

See that was funny on my airwaves, what else do I dare say?
A Dwight Howard joke? These ghostwriters didn’t work
Nah, just get me off the stage before this gets worse

MC:
Um, thank you Tony. And let’s follow him with Jeff Ross, you’re up.

JEFF ROSS:
Tony, if you don’t mind a critique
You were doing great until you started to speak
And then it went downhill pretty freaking steep
And you were sniveling worse than those Spelling Bee twitching freaks
The most colossal bomb that I can recall
Since you last called Monday Night Football
Cause weren’t you really there to just slurp Brett Favre
Honestly, get off his James Carville
But I’ve seen you on TV, and I’m quite impressed
By that show starring Wilbon where you’re sometimes a guest
Congrats, I hear that gig really pays, yes?
Then I guess your apex is second rate Skip Bayless
And how come your pants look like a dorito?
Did you borrow them from Jim Carrey’s “Dumb and Dumber” tuxedo?
I thought you once worked for the Style section of the Post
Did you only write about what not to wear at a roast?
So what flight of fancy or fantasy did you have to
Think you could hang with all us real comedians, huh?
Didn’t Billy Crystal show you that you had to
Know your limits and stay in your lane, grandpa
And your lane as far as I have witnessed
Is the obsolete and nonexistent newspaper business

Oh, I almost forgot, James Carville, you stink.

MC:
Jeff Ross, everybody!