Lyrics

The idea for this jingle was conceived over a month ago, and was put together over the course of hundreds of emails since. This is by far the most fun and most complex jingle I’ve ever participated in. I actually thought about putting together a bibliography for all the references. Thanks to Jason Fuse, John Fitzpatrick, KJ Ohnstad, and Robert Berg for being willing to participate in this insanity. And Jason Fuse, for working some sort of production black magic to make this turn out the way it has.

This a parody of “Alexander Hamilton” by Lin-Manuel Miranda and the Original Broadway Cast of “Hamilton.”


LYRICS:

How does an orange, bald man, always full of bombast
A talking head on a local radio show and podcast
Whose often pontificating one-percenter problems
Also have a show millions are watchin’?

It all started when Estelle and Ira had a child and
In the midst of his first cry, he said, “Do you know who I am?”
As a juvenile, couldn’t work the sippy cup when he tried it
He slammed it with a plastic hammer, cried, “That’s it!” and sent it flyin’

He grew guided by a desire to be a writer
So he penned opinion pieces on his teachers just to slight ‘em
His bar mitzvah, kinda insipid and uninspiring
Cause he couldn’t book the Classics featuring Howard Fineman

He found another way to captivate the dollies
His classmates, John Natobe and Richard Pollet
Brent Glass and Peter Lazarus practiced from top to bottom
To get on stage and pantomime “Lollipop” in bonnets

To avoid ridicule he got sent to sleepaway camp
Keeyumah where an older Jew named Larry was the main man
Soon Larry would leave, a theme he would cultivate
“But are you white or blue? Cause it’s ‘the break’
And what’s your name, cat?”

Tony Kornhesier, man
His name is Tony Kornheiser and
Soon he will be babblin’
On your airwaves, he’ll fulminate

In high school, Hewlett tended to be academic
But took driver’s ed with Sue, vision hypothetic
Esoteric, then a truck came through at Mach 2
The car door went kinetic, but Susan’s not moved

What followed next was college at Harpur up in Binghamton
Named for a professor of Alexander Hamilton
The future institution for a guard that dealt the crack rock
But first the alma mater of a goddess at the snack bar
 
The windows would detach and through the gap would walk a stacked blonde
Tony gawked slack jawed and stumbled back to land on
Pixie sticks, pepsi fizz spraying from their can tops
Crumpled in a sopping pile of junk, but what a bad bod!
In class on biology, Tony had missed the lab parts
He slacked off; the teacher said, “If you know it, you can pass”
He sallied, “Chimps become monkeys,” so that’s how he proved that
And soon the new grad would be a news man

At Newsday, he would be a news man (He’d go there)
From New York, he was a Hewlett man (Came from there)
Just like the dude that writes Scorpion
From Hewlett (Santora)  [No one cares!]
 
Tony Kornheiser, man (Tony Kornheiser and)
The Littles salute to you (Littles salute to you)
Nominally ‘bout sports but really info for life
Oh Tony Kornheiser, man (Tony Kornheiser and)
Why do we listen to you?
Will you talk about any games?
Or just trivia night you played?
And weather that’s not in my state, oh

At the Post readers jumped on the bandwagon for his columns (fourth estate)
Then Monday Night till Jon Gruden made it awesome (just so great)
But PTI is where he’s steady raking in the dollars

Glass grew up with him
Bubes is his one friend
Raju said enough with him
Chessie is stuck with him
And Wilbon saw this jingle comin’

All that’s left is the Browse About
Where he’ll migrate

What’s his name again?

Tony Kornheiser, man!