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thanks to KJ, Luke, Jason, and Snarky Ginger for feedback on whether this was too mean.


Dr. Anthony I. Kornheiser, an ESPN talking head and professional vainglorious windbag, died of injuries sustained after being stabbed in the throat by former Maryland men’s basketball coach Gary Williams after suggesting to Williams that they offer a seiten-based Reuben sandwich on the new menu of their Friendship Heights restaurant.

Mr Kornheiser became well-known at the “fake news” sweatshop The Washington Post, for his caustic sense of humor, impossibly thin skin, and for screaming all day long at his omniscient colleague Michael Wilbon. The last item lead to 15 years of seven-figure contracts for a TV show that revolved around whether Tiger Woods would ever again play a competitive round of golf. At the time of Kornheiser’s death these two bloviators were still wailing on the long-decayed corpse of this horse.

You know how people say “He was a great writer, but he was an even better person.”? Well no one ever said that about Mr Kornheiser.

The ecstatic woman to whom he is survived in death cannot believe she can finally throw out Mr Kornheiser’s stupid collection of Ranger Rick magazines and other detritus that puddled in every corner and frosted every surface of his suffocating domicile. In what must be an almost supernatural coincidence, his dog Chessie took a shit in the neighbors yard on a walk the day following his death.

Presumably, he will be missed.