Lyrics

This song’s called Tony’s Restaurant
It's about Tony, and a restaurant, well not really a restaurant rather something that calls itself a restaurant.

Now it all started when Tony was driving up Rockville Pike the other day, shouting things out as he's wont to do

Cindy Nail!
35 MPH
LA Fitness!

but then he noticed a sign he’d not seen before

Now, he was heading north and this sign was to his left
that is to say it was on the westerly side or southbound side
and he was heading north remember so this was on the opposite side of the road from Tony
He was going against rush hour traffic, but this sign was for a location on the westerly southern south side of the street, just so we’re clear

so on this south-westerly side Tony saw a sign for a restaurant
and he knew that it was not a restaurant
it was a McDonalds

(laughter)

Now, maybe McDonalds fits the Miriam-Webster definition of a restaurant
that is to say, a business establishment where meals or refreshments may be purchased
but if you follow that definition then pretty soon you’ll be calling Applebee’s a restaurant
and really, they may as well sell gasoline there
because an Applebee’s is as much a restaurant as a WaWa or a Sheetz
The kind of place you’d stop on a long drive not a place you’d eat a meal or expect to receive mail
And so let’s get back to McDonalds, which is after all the point of this 18 minute massacree
If you have to stand in line like you’re at the post office
where there are no waiters or busboys
or where the cheapest entree costs less than $30 dollars
well then friend, that simply ain't a restaurant

Well then you can call it anything you want
just don’t call it a restaurant
Drive right thru, in your pickup truck
Feed your family for twenty bucks
You can call it anything you want
just don’t call it a restaurant

A parody of Arlo Guthrie, “Alice’s Restaurant"