Lyrics

DJs: Recommended for weddings and bar mitzvahs
[Physicalization; the usual Y position, then point your TOE, flex your KNEE, and closes with the conventional K]

Young man, we know just who you are
You’re a young man, driving round in your car .
Or your sports van and you drive pretty far so you
need some entertainment.

Young man, there’s a place you can go
I said, young man, it’s at the end of our show
It’s the Mailbag, and I am sure you will find
Many answers to the question.

Ya prob’ly ask yourself “Why Tony K?
Must I listen to him? “Why Tony K?
you can’t share your schemes, for your fantasy teams
In fact you can’t call in at all. At least it’s not him singin
“Why Tony K?"
Sometimes I think I’m dreamin' “Why Tony K?"

Into sports they may delve until a quarter to twelve
Then the mailbag comes down off the shel(ve?)

Young man, who do you want to be? Henny
Youngman? You want to be on TV
You’re a Young man - P-T-I don’t owe you
But you got to know this one thing!

Few men
Have the chutzpah except for these two men,
who grew up reading Alfred E.
Newman, and they tune in to ESP
N not just for sports news

It’s time to act it out “Why Tony K?"
Lift up your hands and Shout “Why Tony K?

He has news and some quotes, email faxes and notes,
He will read them for all of you folks
[start fadeout. Please!]
Ya gotta ask yourself “Why Tony K?
Ya gotta ask yourself “Why Tony K?

He may may get a surprise
win a Pulitzer prize
Then you write down whatever you feel ...
[WHAT, MORE? what is this, opera? FADE OUT NOW]
Young man, I had a job selling shoes, .
I was No- Man drinking oceans of booze. Willy
Loman with an English degree. [STOP ME PLEASE]
Faced an Arthur Miller ending...

That's when someone came up to me,
And said, young man, take a walk up the street.
There's a Starbucks that has a Google machine
You can write jingles ad nauseam


You’ll know the answer to “Why Tony K?”
You’ll know the answer to “Why Tony K?

And his contract’s up soon, so he may move to the moon you might miss him if he don’t lampoon
[SILENCE PLEASE]