Lyrics

I'm just an average man, in a Floridian town
and in my front yard I have an American Elm
last week in the shadows a man approached
he took off his corduroy pants and then did something gross

In my housing plan somebody's notching trees
jacked up on $5 insanity
in my housing plan somebody's notching trees
it must hurt when he pees

when I came home the next night
I called my arborist friend Dwight
He said a significant amount of woody and vascular tissue had been destroyed
I said Dwight do you mean the tree trunk or this bizarre tree rapist's groin?
when I'm at the office I'm afraid he's mounting the shrubs
are the rhododendrons safe from his erotic love?
people say I'm crazy, but I'm not the guy
with his underwear stuck to his skin and tree sap splattered on his thighs

In my housing plan somebody's notching trees
how long must he be tweezing?
in my housing plan somebody's notching trees
I hope he gets Dutch Elm Disease