Lyrics

There’s a bearded man who’s driving on the bay bridge
His eyes are closed and he’s holding his breath
There’s construction so this trip’s especially dangerous
One wrong move and he’s plunging to his death

His carphone rings - it breaks his concentration
He screams “Alexa, Siri, Google, take this call!!!”
Terrified of all these innovations
and scared of learning how to use ‘em all

He’s afraid of everything
going overboard on a cruise
shopping in Rehoboth but they’re all out of boat shoes
A flight without a xanax
or ice cream without a sink
He’s afraid of everything

The same old man is home now in his driveway
He sees an Uber car, been parked there for a week
He says “Man, I wish the poors would see things my way.
What gives them any right to public streets?”

He heads out back to see if his garden’s ripened
He finds mashed tomatoes all over the place
There’s a baby deer she’s trembling and she’s frightened
He’s petrified and frozen in her gaze

‘cause he’s afraid of everything
hungry squirrels, falling trees
An inch of snowfall in December
getting taxed by AOC
Of putting netting on his planters
then getting trapped in all the string
he’s afraid of everything

There’s a little girl who’s walking past a bookstore
She asks, “Mommy, can we please go inside?”
When an older man stumbles out the front door
His cape is torn, his hat reads, “PTI”

He blurts out that he used to be a writer
And the hotel clerks, they all knew his name!
All at once the girl’s mom is there beside her
With awkward smiles, they slowly back away

He’s afraid of everything
Like staying out past 8
Like not hanging it up before they make him go away
He’s not getting any younger
and every day he shrinks
He’s afraid of everything

He’s afraid of everything
ATMs and ATVs
Like dining out in public while they all watch you as you eat
All these phobias and neuroses
They’re enough to drive you mad
Like getting trapped in a parking lot because they don’t take cash
It’s an unplanned vacation
for saying what you really think
Oh, he’s afraid of everything

A parody of Dawes, "A Little Bit of Everything"