Lyrics

Thanks to Luke for the graduation party idea, which I find hilarious. And to both Jason and Luke for feedback and gift ideas for this jingle.


2/4/2010

Dear diary,

These *** damned pandas are useless. Why are we interested in them? Because they have dots around their eyes? I have bags under my eyes, nobody likes that. Is it because pandas are furtive? Hey, you know what else is furtive? My ball sack. You wanna watch that? Who needs tickets?


3/6/2011

Dear diary,

(Name redacted) and his wife just got back from a vacation in Vermont where they stayed at a Bed & Breakfast. He said “you have to try it. It’s fantastic!”

Now i like him a lot, and i didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So i said:

“Are you out of your *** damned mind?! I don’t even like spending time with you, why would i want to eat with strangers?”

No thanks, Thoreau. Give me the Four Seasons and $90 entrees, or give me death.


5/11/2017

Dear diary

You know that I’m a live and let live kind of guy, right? But please, just for a moment, indulge me while i describe what I’d like to do to these self-pitying Yelp reviewers mourning the loss of 7 hours a night of half price drinks and a menu full of cattle feed.

I want to duct tape them to a street lamp and blow a vuvuzela full blast in their ears until they bleed out of their eyes and rectum! What kind of rat bastard idiot thinks a restaurant in the district can survive a business plan like that? Did these people drink antifreeze as children? 1 star...**** off, ya jackass!


5/28/2017

Dear diary,

(Name redacted) gave me a $30 gift certificate to Applebees at the graduation party I had for my doctorate. I briefly thought about taking a **** on the lawn and wiping my *** with it. Diary, please do not misconstrue this as hyperbole, but i would rather eat the actual gift certificate than ANYTHING at Applebees.

Also, (name redacted) got me an onyx Successories paperweight that read:

“A positive attitude creates a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.”

I smashed it with a hammer into a million pieces and then poured it into the sewer.