Lyrics

YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT THIS COULD BE A NIGHTMARE
LEAVE YOUR STUPID KID HOME WITH A BABYSITTER
DON’T OFFER TIPS OR COMMENT ON HIS PUTTER
HE’S NOT BAD, HE’S JUST A HIGH-VOLUME SHOOTER

IF YOU BID AT AUCTION, 18 HOLES OF GOLFING
THAT COULD BE A BIG MISTAKE
IN A CART WITH MICHAEL, ALMOST HOMICIDAL
GIANT DIVOTS IN HIS WAKE

THAT 20 LARGE AT THIS POINT IS A SUNK COST
DON’T ASK HIM WHAT NUMBER ALEX ENGLISH WORE
TO JUST DRIVE AWAY WILL BE A BIG TEMPTATION
WE CALL THIS A LARRY DAVID SITUATION
WORST-CASE SCENARIO YOU CAN CHAT WITH MICHAEL
ABOUT THE SYMBOLIC DREAMS OF RASKOLNIKOV

IF YOU BID AT AUCTION, JUST A WORD OF CAUTION
THIS ISN’T PTI
HE WILL NOT REGALE YOU WITH COMPELLING TALES
YOU’RE THINKING OF THE OTHER GUY